So Long Best Friend

This is my dog Lexus and I had to put him down two weeks ago. He was my best friend in the world. For 9 years Lexus was at my side always and full of life. He developed seizures in May and the vet put him on phenobarbitol to control them. He was doing fine until a couple of weeks ago.

At 10:00 A.M. he had another siezure and usually when they happened he would be back to normal in about half an hour. I thought he was OK, so I gave him a treat and sent him outside. I called the vet and made an appointment for that afternoon. In about 20 minutes I checked on him and he was outside still in seizure. It was the most awful thing I have ever seen.

The seizure had it's grip on him completely. Lex was running at almost full throttle and running into the fence as though he were blind and his eyes were rolling back in his head, his legs were giving out and he would run, then fall down, and then stand and stare. He had hurt himself and I didn't know what to do.

I called the vet and she told me to bring him in immediately. I tried to put his seatbelt harness on so I could strap him in the van and he growled at me. This was not my dog, he had never growled at me or even challenged me in 9 years.

It scared me to death, that my own dog would bite me, I know he was not himself. My son came and we managed to get him into the harness and into the van. It was the longest ride of my life as Lexus was in full blown seizure the whole trip, his convulsions rocking the van. He weighed about 87 pounds and the poor thing was wracked with heavy breathing and foaming at the mouth.

The vet sedated him finally after about two hours of seizures from the time he started to the time we got him to the vet. By this time it was about noon and I left him with the vet to care for.

At around 3:00 I went back to see Lexus and he had just come out of the sedative and he was still in seizure. It was at this time that I decided I didn't want him to suffer through this horrific event again. My kids and I were beside Lexus while the vet administered the drug that would give him release.

I miss Lexus so much, he was such a great dog. I hope that none of you ever have to go through this with your dog or any pet for that matter. I know I did the right thing for Lexus. What kind of life would he have had on drugs all his life, with possible liver and brain damage from the seizures and the meds.

I can still hear Lexussnoring, farting and scratching, I still expect him to jump up when I get up and greet me with the new day. I'll never forget his unconditional love and affection that he lavished on me all his life. Good Dog!!!

Say A Little Prayer For Me

I have been blessed with a wonderful friend. I'll call her Mal. Mal is a vivacious and beautiful woman who is about 10 years my junior. She is the daughter of a long time family friend, and niece to one of my best friends.

Mal lived away from me for the better part of her life and through circumstances in her distant life, she moved closer and I have been fortunate in the past few years to really get to know her.

Mal has a wonderful and irreverant sense of humor, a zest for life and energy that I envy. She can move from one house to the next and have the house painted and looking like Home and Garden the very next day. Her taste is impeccable and she's a neurotic hostess = "can I get you a drink", "are you OK?", "oh, that ashtray is dirty"! She just doesn't think to sit and enjoy, she's so concerned for others. She would give you the shirt off her back and her last five dollars.

Mal has a 5 year old son, I'll call him "bugjuice". I love him to death and he loves me as well, we are best pals. He's the wonderful child that we all dream of, a miracle really since Mal had her tubes tied and still "bugjuice" is here. Thank heavens, the world wouldn't be the same without him. He's polite, talks up a storm and has the same joi de vive that his mother has.

Mal has had her trials in life, a terrible car accident, an unsuccessful marriage that bore her another wonderful son who is now 16 years old. Another wonder child that Mal raised to be respectful and loving. She has had a terrible partner that beat her up and stalked her and threatened her life and caused her to move for fear of harm. She has had another marriage that went bad by a husband that cheated on her and just wasnt' a very nice man at all.

Despite all her trials she is happy and gives to all around her. Mal is a wonderful mother, her children are her world and she would do anything to prevent any harm to them.

She is now attending her third year of University to become a teacher. History and French are her chosen subjects. She has worked so hard and will be a most excellent teacher.

Mal has breast cancer. Today, Thanksgiving Day she had to get up at 5:00 in the morning to go for another MRI. She hates them, but "bugjuice" goes with her and he gives her strength with his great big fat love and awe of the big machine that mom has to go into for "pictures".

Mal is the strongest woman I have known, next to my mother. This time the MRI shows some improvement, she may not have to have a mastectomy. The pills are working.

If I could, I would take her place, I would give her my breasts and send her on her way to raise her children and teach future scholars. But I can't, so I'm writing this to ask for prayers. Prayers for a wonderful woman who deserves to survive, to have a wonderful full life, excitement, disappointments, true love, success, grandchildren and everything that comes with this life.

So please, say a little prayer for me and send it up for my friend Mal.

It's a Wonderful Life

I bought an older house last year and with it came a tenant. The tenants name was Albert and he was an older gentleman of 83 years. I came to know Albert quite well and he was quite the character. At 83, Albert lived on his pension and he couldn't quite make ends meet. His rent was $500 per month and in Canada the utilities were constantly climbing. Albert would sell pills and collect things that he could sell for cash.

His home was in the inner city so he had a plethora of people at his door looking to buy or sell something to him. I used to give him heck for letting some people into his home because I was worried that one of them would hurt him. Albert always had a pocketful of cash which he kept in his housecoat pocket when at home and in his coat pocket when he was out. He was robbed numerous times in his home and was very lucky not to be hurt. Everyone knew that Albert had cash in his pocket and one very large native fellow walked right into Alberts house and straight into the kitchen where he grabbed Albert by the neck from behind and reached into his pocket and ran with his money.

Albert was a soft touch and would give you anything you wanted but not without a price, you had to tell him he was handsome and wonderful and he would agree! He used to keep peppermints in his pocket and if he liked you, he would hold his hand out at arms length and tell you "I only give these to people I hate". A wonderful little smirk would come over his face and you knew you were his friend.

Albert lived alone for the most part and did rent out the spare bedroom in his house. Where he would find these people always amazed and annoyed me but I knew he needed the financial help so I would always drop by to check on the current roommate. Sometimes I would tell him to be careful because I didn't like the person he had chosen. One long time roomie he had was a pill popper and a drinker and would become abusive to Albert. He slammed his bedroom door on Alberts hand one time and gave him a nasty gash on his hand. It took weeks to heal. I evicted that jerk at Alberts request.

Most of Alberts problems stemmed from lonliness and he needed company. He had a cat called "Nuisance" that he loved dearly and treated like a queen. He and I would go out for dinner just about every week and do a little bit of grocery shopping. He loved to tell me how to drive and which way to turn. He was very bossy but charming. Tim's was a definate stop on our outings. On his 84th Birthday we went to the Legion for dinner and Albert looked wonderful in his white shoes, Legion coat and pin with a nice dress shirt and pants.

I used to call Albert every few days and on October 16th I hadn't seen or heard from Albert, he wasn't answering his phone so I dropped by his house. Nuisance was outside, Alberts cane was outside and his front doors were open but latched by chain from the inside. I broke in an found Albert face down on the floor. He had been there about four days.

My friend was gone. I don't know exactly what happened but I will never forget the sight and I will never forget the way in which he died. Alone. I know there is nothing I could have done for him, I know that it's not my fault. He was fiercly independant, didn't want to go to a home, he was very sure of that. He didn't want to sit around with other Veterans listening to their stories about the war, he had his own memories and kept them to himself.

Albert didn't have any family, at least not that came around. He had a son and daughter that were my age but they were raised by their mother and he saw them only once in a decade. I worked with the Trustee to try and find them but to no avail. I planned Alberts funeral, or at least picked his clothes and the cemetary as he was buried by Last Post for Veterans and it was wonderful. We had a dish of mints for the five friends that attended, two were Pall Bearers, (one of them the jerk I booted out of his house) the manager of the seniors centre that Albert frequented, a neighbor and me. I gave Alberts euolgy and went to the cemetary for his last post. Bag Pipes played as they lowered him to his grave and his casket was covered with a Canadian Flag.

Albert would have been proud.

I moved new tenants into Alberts house about a month after he passed and they took his cat Nuisance. I asked them to keep Alberts chair for the cat as he slept on it all the time. They took good care of Nuisance but he wandered and a week ago he was hit by a Yellow Cab and killed, the tenant was there when it happened and picked him up and carried him home. He is with Albert now.

My point of writing this is to remind people to be kind to the old scruffy man or woman you see on the street. They might be lonely or sick and need companionship. A friend. Despite the mess I had to clean up and the time it took to deal with Alberts things, the cost involved (he was insolvent) was worth it. He may have died alone but he was buried with dignity and he will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Go ahead, laugh!

It's been one of those couple of days. Just when I get my groove on, something happens to put a kink in the works.

I woke early on this day, put on some nice clean springy clothes. Beige jeans, funky little shoes, nice sweater and a matching canvas coat. Looks good!

On my way to work, I decided the van looked pretty dirty from all the melting snow so I pulled into the car wash and waited for the fellow ahead of me to finish washing his jeep. I watched him put the water jet thingy on top of the things that you usually clip your floor mats to wash them. No problem! In a few seconds I was in the bay and ready to wash the van.

I jumped out of the van, went to the back hatch and promptly whacked my knee on the towing hitch. (Insert vulgar swearing here!) I hobbled to the machine, inserted a loonie and the water jet thingy was caught on the clip for the floor mats and was caught in the "ON" position

Son of-a bitch! (Insert more vulgar swearing here!) My hair, my beige jeans, my canvas coat, my funky shoes, and my nice sweater, absolutely soaking wet!

I really would like to have seen the look on my face, it would have been priceless. Needless to say, I went home and changed. Now I have a cold and a limp! Go ahead, laugh!

Spank Me!

If you've read my posts it is painfully obvious that I am single and here's why...

My lawyers wife mentioned to me that I should try one of those telephone dating affairs. So, I signed up, and started to listen in on all the single men on the "system". It is the worst way to meet men, although I have heard of success stories.

First of all you "box" someone and if they like the profile you compose and you sound "OK" (meaning that you don't sound like an axe murder or stalker), then they send you a message or vise versa.

You either give them your telephone number or you "box" each other to' and fro'. Boxing is an annoying system but is sometimes prudent, as the person you are speaking to may have an alternative agenda.

Some have a convoluted opinion of how they look, some are just plain freaky. All had one personality on the telephone and something else in person. You will see that I have quite a diverse collection of encounters, either spoken on the telephone, or I met them "once" for coffee or saw them no more than twice.

The Realtor: "Call me daddy... no really."

The Artist: "Leave me your underwear, I want to carry your scent with me while we're apart... "

The Warehouseman: "I want you to take care of my four kids and meet my mother... "

The Loafer: "Drive me to bingo! "

The Sales Rep: "I'm fit," (really looked like he was 12 months pregnant!!)

The Retiree: "I don't drive, I don't work, I have six kids and I'm being evicted, could we come live with you? "

The Lawyer: "My girlfriend is in the car, I thought maybe the three of us could get busy" ...

The Laborer: "Could you take me to my drug dealer? I need an eight ball... "

The Welder: "Oh, baby, I was thinking of you today! Yeah, I was wondering if those big tits would keep me warm." (He was the "romantic" one)

The RCMP: "Sure, I had sex about a week ago, with my wife" This was after the second golf date.

The Fireman: "Don't phone here, my roommate gets upset. "

The Real Estate Investor: "I'm married, my wife doesn't mind if I go out with other women, besides it's my fantasy to watch woman on woman. "

The Former Priest: "Can we book sex on Friday?, say noon? "

The Computer Geek: Oh Damn, he just smelled!

The Insurance Salesman: "What's the problem? Come over, I've got some porns for us to watch! "

The Italian Doctor: "Pleeeeease, just let me give you a massage, I won't DO anything! I've got a Mercedes! What's the problem baby!? "

The Outfitter: "If we're going out and I find someone I'd like to have sex with, I'll let you know... "

The Millionaire: "I want to pursue you and you must give up your friends and move to Texas with me and don't test my mettle by refusing me! "

The Professional Golfer: Had a kinky thing with baby powder scented baby oil!

The Tall Cowboy: Brain Damage

Alright, I know what you're thinking, do I not ask the pertinent questions? Yes, I do. This is just the tip of the iceberg, it takes all kinds and if you're wondering if I like sex, the answer is a resounding YES!. Just not on the first date with Little Lord Fauntleroy that still lives with mommy at 50 and wants to spank me while wearing my underwear on his head!

I know what I want, I am worthy of pursuit and all good things will come...

"Something With Wings Overnight ExtraLong "

(Ladies Only)

I've always had a warped sense of humor and even in times of extreme stress, I will pull a good one out of the hat!

I hadn't been to see my favorite gynecologist in a couple of years and I had this nagging thought in the back of my head that I should go see him. Great doctor Vito, he delivered my babies and always complimented your tushie when you went to see him. Wonderful man, every woman beautiful in his eyes.

Well, I had a "cell change" in my cervix and he ordered a biopsy, I had to wait until I finished my current "cycle of the moon" (catering to the sensibilities of the menfolk). So, when I finished my "cycle" I went for the biopsy, a fun little adventure, a waiting room full of serious women that were thinking the same thing I was. Malignant or benign?

A little nerve wracking but necessary. Just remove your bottoms, feet in the stirrups, scoot your bum down a little and scrape scrape here, a scrape scrape there and we're done. The results came back: Level 4. I was destined for surgery! Now, I'm a positive thinker and just the thought that I could have a complete hysterectomy was thrilling! Never mind that this was serious business but...

I started my period in the summer before my 10th birthday. Oh Boy! Back then, those pads were huge on my little 9 year old body! I remember when I had on my very first pad, my sister was laughing and pointing at me as I waddled around. My family used to spend May to August at Pigeon Lake and the boys used to try to throw me in the lake, as only boys do and I would kick and scream NO, I"LL SINK (the Kotex will drag me to the bottom of the lake and I'll drown)! OMG! I was only in grade 4 for pete's sake AND I had breasts! (A whole other story).

Not to mention that you had to wear those awful belts and I was so young and they were soooo long, the little metal thing that held the ends of the pads in place used to get stuck in my butt crack! Yes ladies, if you didn't wear the belt, you had to use safety pins to hold the pads on and if you didn't have pads, your mother would wrap soft cotton batten with rags and you pinned them to your panties. Oh God, I'm old!

So, I had a consultation with Vito and the date was set. Keep in mind, I'd just had my period, which means I was wearing "something with wings overnight extra long" for about 7 or 8 days, then I went to my biopsy and I had to wear "something with wings overnight extra long" for another 5 - 7 days, and it seemed like an eternity.

I was surrounded by supportive friends and I confided in them that I was tired of wearing "something with wings overnight extra long" for the last two weeks.

"If I don't stop wearing "something with wings overnight extra long" - I am going to go bald"!!!

They all looked at me with blank faces, ready to burst out laughing and I added:

"Do you think I should put the sticky side down?"

Well, to make a long story short, I'm here, health, happy ;) and only bald by choice (or not! hee hee) and I no longer support the "something with wings overnight extra long" paper company.

Nah Nah Nah Boo Boo!

"Our Gala Affair"

Years ago, when I was happily married and still an obedient wife, I had my "Most Embarrassing Moment".

My husband worked in the marketing department of one of Canada's leading gas companies. He was responsible this particular year, for coordinating the annual awards night at one of Edmontons best hotels.

It was to be a gala affair so I purchased a beautiful blue silk dress, a little bling bling and I looked marvelous! My husband wore his best, a beautiful brown suit that I loved. He was quite dapper! Together, we shone, a handsome couple!

The seating arrangements at dinner were such that I was seated beside the President of Marketing and his lovely wife was beside my husband. We dined, we danced, we drank, we blew our own horn!. It was all politically correct and oh, I don't know contrived. We applauded the awards and speeches - rah!rah! And then desert.

Everyone retired to the mezzanine for cigars and after dinner drinks. A social mixer, schmoozing, congratulations and working the room. The evening was proving to be a big success and my husband was soaking up the accolades on a "job well done"! He was rightfully proud of all his hard work putting the event together. After all, the "big boy's" were here from head office.

I spotted my husband across the room and drink in hand I strolled over to him, sidled up to him from behind and pinched his butt - hard. As soon as my fingers dug into his ass, I realized this was not the firm ass I had been hanging onto in moments of ecstasy for many years, oh, no, this soft, fleshy skin between my fingers did not belong to my husband! My jaw dropped as the gentleman, whose ASS I HAD JUST PINCHED, turned around and said to me "Would you like to dance"?

It was the President of Marketing and his lovely wife was right beside him!!!. He was wearing the exact same suit as my husband, same height, same dark hair, same well manicured profile and I was two Appleton's out of focus!

I said, Oh My God, I'm So Sorry!. From that moment, I don't remember what happened really, I found my husband, told him what I had done and spent the rest of our "gala affair" in our hotel room crying. Seriously, all I wanted to do was die.