Spank Me!

If you've read my posts it is painfully obvious that I am single and here's why...

My lawyers wife mentioned to me that I should try one of those telephone dating affairs. So, I signed up, and started to listen in on all the single men on the "system". It is the worst way to meet men, although I have heard of success stories.

First of all you "box" someone and if they like the profile you compose and you sound "OK" (meaning that you don't sound like an axe murder or stalker), then they send you a message or vise versa.

You either give them your telephone number or you "box" each other to' and fro'. Boxing is an annoying system but is sometimes prudent, as the person you are speaking to may have an alternative agenda.

Some have a convoluted opinion of how they look, some are just plain freaky. All had one personality on the telephone and something else in person. You will see that I have quite a diverse collection of encounters, either spoken on the telephone, or I met them "once" for coffee or saw them no more than twice.

The Realtor: "Call me daddy... no really."

The Artist: "Leave me your underwear, I want to carry your scent with me while we're apart... "

The Warehouseman: "I want you to take care of my four kids and meet my mother... "

The Loafer: "Drive me to bingo! "

The Sales Rep: "I'm fit," (really looked like he was 12 months pregnant!!)

The Retiree: "I don't drive, I don't work, I have six kids and I'm being evicted, could we come live with you? "

The Lawyer: "My girlfriend is in the car, I thought maybe the three of us could get busy" ...

The Laborer: "Could you take me to my drug dealer? I need an eight ball... "

The Welder: "Oh, baby, I was thinking of you today! Yeah, I was wondering if those big tits would keep me warm." (He was the "romantic" one)

The RCMP: "Sure, I had sex about a week ago, with my wife" This was after the second golf date.

The Fireman: "Don't phone here, my roommate gets upset. "

The Real Estate Investor: "I'm married, my wife doesn't mind if I go out with other women, besides it's my fantasy to watch woman on woman. "

The Former Priest: "Can we book sex on Friday?, say noon? "

The Computer Geek: Oh Damn, he just smelled!

The Insurance Salesman: "What's the problem? Come over, I've got some porns for us to watch! "

The Italian Doctor: "Pleeeeease, just let me give you a massage, I won't DO anything! I've got a Mercedes! What's the problem baby!? "

The Outfitter: "If we're going out and I find someone I'd like to have sex with, I'll let you know... "

The Millionaire: "I want to pursue you and you must give up your friends and move to Texas with me and don't test my mettle by refusing me! "

The Professional Golfer: Had a kinky thing with baby powder scented baby oil!

The Tall Cowboy: Brain Damage

Alright, I know what you're thinking, do I not ask the pertinent questions? Yes, I do. This is just the tip of the iceberg, it takes all kinds and if you're wondering if I like sex, the answer is a resounding YES!. Just not on the first date with Little Lord Fauntleroy that still lives with mommy at 50 and wants to spank me while wearing my underwear on his head!

I know what I want, I am worthy of pursuit and all good things will come...

"Something With Wings Overnight ExtraLong "

(Ladies Only)

I've always had a warped sense of humor and even in times of extreme stress, I will pull a good one out of the hat!

I hadn't been to see my favorite gynecologist in a couple of years and I had this nagging thought in the back of my head that I should go see him. Great doctor Vito, he delivered my babies and always complimented your tushie when you went to see him. Wonderful man, every woman beautiful in his eyes.

Well, I had a "cell change" in my cervix and he ordered a biopsy, I had to wait until I finished my current "cycle of the moon" (catering to the sensibilities of the menfolk). So, when I finished my "cycle" I went for the biopsy, a fun little adventure, a waiting room full of serious women that were thinking the same thing I was. Malignant or benign?

A little nerve wracking but necessary. Just remove your bottoms, feet in the stirrups, scoot your bum down a little and scrape scrape here, a scrape scrape there and we're done. The results came back: Level 4. I was destined for surgery! Now, I'm a positive thinker and just the thought that I could have a complete hysterectomy was thrilling! Never mind that this was serious business but...

I started my period in the summer before my 10th birthday. Oh Boy! Back then, those pads were huge on my little 9 year old body! I remember when I had on my very first pad, my sister was laughing and pointing at me as I waddled around. My family used to spend May to August at Pigeon Lake and the boys used to try to throw me in the lake, as only boys do and I would kick and scream NO, I"LL SINK (the Kotex will drag me to the bottom of the lake and I'll drown)! OMG! I was only in grade 4 for pete's sake AND I had breasts! (A whole other story).

Not to mention that you had to wear those awful belts and I was so young and they were soooo long, the little metal thing that held the ends of the pads in place used to get stuck in my butt crack! Yes ladies, if you didn't wear the belt, you had to use safety pins to hold the pads on and if you didn't have pads, your mother would wrap soft cotton batten with rags and you pinned them to your panties. Oh God, I'm old!

So, I had a consultation with Vito and the date was set. Keep in mind, I'd just had my period, which means I was wearing "something with wings overnight extra long" for about 7 or 8 days, then I went to my biopsy and I had to wear "something with wings overnight extra long" for another 5 - 7 days, and it seemed like an eternity.

I was surrounded by supportive friends and I confided in them that I was tired of wearing "something with wings overnight extra long" for the last two weeks.

"If I don't stop wearing "something with wings overnight extra long" - I am going to go bald"!!!

They all looked at me with blank faces, ready to burst out laughing and I added:

"Do you think I should put the sticky side down?"

Well, to make a long story short, I'm here, health, happy ;) and only bald by choice (or not! hee hee) and I no longer support the "something with wings overnight extra long" paper company.

Nah Nah Nah Boo Boo!