Spank Me!

If you've read my posts it is painfully obvious that I am single and here's why...

My lawyers wife mentioned to me that I should try one of those telephone dating affairs. So, I signed up, and started to listen in on all the single men on the "system". It is the worst way to meet men, although I have heard of success stories.

First of all you "box" someone and if they like the profile you compose and you sound "OK" (meaning that you don't sound like an axe murder or stalker), then they send you a message or vise versa.

You either give them your telephone number or you "box" each other to' and fro'. Boxing is an annoying system but is sometimes prudent, as the person you are speaking to may have an alternative agenda.

Some have a convoluted opinion of how they look, some are just plain freaky. All had one personality on the telephone and something else in person. You will see that I have quite a diverse collection of encounters, either spoken on the telephone, or I met them "once" for coffee or saw them no more than twice.

The Realtor: "Call me daddy... no really."

The Artist: "Leave me your underwear, I want to carry your scent with me while we're apart... "

The Warehouseman: "I want you to take care of my four kids and meet my mother... "

The Loafer: "Drive me to bingo! "

The Sales Rep: "I'm fit," (really looked like he was 12 months pregnant!!)

The Retiree: "I don't drive, I don't work, I have six kids and I'm being evicted, could we come live with you? "

The Lawyer: "My girlfriend is in the car, I thought maybe the three of us could get busy" ...

The Laborer: "Could you take me to my drug dealer? I need an eight ball... "

The Welder: "Oh, baby, I was thinking of you today! Yeah, I was wondering if those big tits would keep me warm." (He was the "romantic" one)

The RCMP: "Sure, I had sex about a week ago, with my wife" This was after the second golf date.

The Fireman: "Don't phone here, my roommate gets upset. "

The Real Estate Investor: "I'm married, my wife doesn't mind if I go out with other women, besides it's my fantasy to watch woman on woman. "

The Former Priest: "Can we book sex on Friday?, say noon? "

The Computer Geek: Oh Damn, he just smelled!

The Insurance Salesman: "What's the problem? Come over, I've got some porns for us to watch! "

The Italian Doctor: "Pleeeeease, just let me give you a massage, I won't DO anything! I've got a Mercedes! What's the problem baby!? "

The Outfitter: "If we're going out and I find someone I'd like to have sex with, I'll let you know... "

The Millionaire: "I want to pursue you and you must give up your friends and move to Texas with me and don't test my mettle by refusing me! "

The Professional Golfer: Had a kinky thing with baby powder scented baby oil!

The Tall Cowboy: Brain Damage

Alright, I know what you're thinking, do I not ask the pertinent questions? Yes, I do. This is just the tip of the iceberg, it takes all kinds and if you're wondering if I like sex, the answer is a resounding YES!. Just not on the first date with Little Lord Fauntleroy that still lives with mommy at 50 and wants to spank me while wearing my underwear on his head!

I know what I want, I am worthy of pursuit and all good things will come...